love you more than anyone

Henna on back
Originally uploaded by greedus2

There are times when I doubt my purpose. I wonder why I'm in my major, why I'm here at UCSD, what I want out of life. And then it smacks me in the face. Multiple times in one day. I'm running into my friends everywhere, in the most unexpected ways.

First, in the library, catching up with a friend who I haven't been able to spend time with as much this year as the last. Next, a friend called me with concerns about another friend. I later got in contact with the concernee, and she got to share with me what was going on in her life. Follow that up with Bible Study, where I was proud of the study that resulted. I feel like the study leaders have learned a lot, and we're finally reaching the potential I felt we could. We're progressing, and I couldn't be happier. Finally, tonight, I left study late, after some rousing conversation and ran into a friend. She looked stoic at first, but it was more than I could have ever guessed ...

My friends are brave and strong. They are amazing and beautiful. I love them so much, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I only hope I could be a fraction as inspirational to them as they are to me.

A little cliche, I know, but considering that I've been under a lot of stress this week, it has been a wonderful day.

attention

The Gaze
Originally uploaded by Anna Pagnacco

I'm working on a project that focuses on the details of the everyday world. Right now, I'm having trouble focusing. Ironic, isn't it. I think I'm taking to finding photos on Flickr that suit my blogging moods. This is more fun. Beats being boring.

So I'm sitting in the library, and I have done some work, but right now, I've hit a rough spot. I'm not sure where to go, or what to right, so I've got to just analyze my data and step away. I might go to study tonight and see what we're up to, then I can go home and finish my analysis. This process is long. I knew I should have given myself more time. Hey ... at least it's still the day before the project is due. :)

lightning struck

I hate that I perform well under pressure. Although, perhaps not, as I get by by the seat of my pants and I'm never sure why. I love my ideas in desperation, but perhaps I can incite desperation in advance. Yeah ... that would be nice. Anyway, not much time to type, just to say I'm not dead. Will write more later in the week.

Oh, and Happy Super Tuesday!

coming to terms

I'm stubborn, and I don't like change. I know it's inevitable, but I just like to dig in my heels and resist like mad. I guess I think it's easier to hold on to all of my bad habits and little lies to myself, rather than just giving it all up. I want to hold on to who I think I am, rather than embrace the person I could become. Or at least I think that's what's going on. My inner monologue has always been a bit confused.

Anyway, I'm just writing to spark some sort of creative process. I've got a paper due in seven hours, and while it's short, like most things, I want it to be good. This week is going to be hard, and I guess that's why I'm thinking there's no better time for change than now. What better time than when I'm stressed out within an inch of my life. Maybe change will help remedy all of the pressure that I'm feeling, both physically and mentally. Winter is my own personal hell. Time to make it work.

The List:
- Machiavelli Paper due 2/4
- Politics of Immigration Midterm 2/6
- Cognitive Ethnography Photo Project due 2/7
- Cognitive Ethnography Overdue Project ASAP

the road before us

This is a pattern ... me, on my floor, procrastinating on something I want to do and know that I can indeed do. I'm just ... stuck. I wonder whether I put myself into this situation, this was inevitable, or both. No matter. It's now the problem of digging myself out of this hole and not consuming an entire package of Saltines. I have forgotten how salty these things really are. I feel that if I were a snail or a slug, I would shrivel right up/implode just at the sight. Whoo!

Anyway, I suppose not much has changed since last year. Yes, I'm getting older, and perhaps I have some better idea of where I'm going, but the future still looms, yet it is a distant fantasy. It's like the side view mirrors of the car. Objects are closer than they appear. So here I am, laptop in lap, really, typing away toward my future. The road is endless, but but I'm in need of a rest stop, and I'm not sure where that next exit will take me. At least, I think, I have over a year to figure this out. I really think that this whole double-major thing is a procrastination tactic. Story of my life, eh? At least I cop to it.

let's never stop falling in love

The world won't stop changing, and I can't blame it. I'd rather have it keep moving and keep going, and yeah, I don't want to stop. I desperately wish I could still be in Rome, but if I were, my life would have changed in such different ways. I wouldn't have gotten a job, I wouldn't have gone to New York, I wouldn't have lived with Kimi, and I certainly wouldn't be the same person. All of the challenges that life has put before me have been worth the struggle. Everything I am is a product of who I was. Everything I will become is all part of who I am now. Life is like a game of Jenga -- you keep building upwards with what you've already got and you pray for balance.

full stop

It's official. I have no desire to be awake this early in the morning. I know I should take the time to be productive, seeing as I've got to haul myself onto a few buses, and I might as well use the time wisely, but all I'd like to do is procrastinate. It's only the tiniest bit ironic. Time is just flying by. Today, Thursday, I've got to finish a lab and study for a quiz (with exam on Monday). I also ought to at least draft up part of a paper for Tuesday. I need to do laundry. I need to pack for Thanksgiving. Frankly, I will give thanks when Tuesday is over, because that means that I can breathe again. I guess I will go to work on Monday afternoon, seeing as I'd like to grovel for Wednesday off to go home early. I have no idea what will happen, but it's getting late, and I need to shove myself out of the house before I'm late. It's a situation that's happened far too ofrwn.

the little things!

Whoa ... I won this contest over at I AM FUEL, YOU ARE FRIENDS (which is a rockin' music blog, by the way), and I'm getting a copy of the soundtrack for the new Bob Dylan biopic, I'm Not There. Excuse the linking and all, but essentially, I won myself a CD of Dylan covers, and I'm thrilled. Dude ... I never win anything ... right?

Along with that, bare: the album is releasing tomorrow! (See previous posts.) Thrilled yet again. :) It's all well and good ... except I have no idea how much it costs.

And, to top it all off, I'm trying to work on a draft of a paper, to review tomorrow and to turn in on Thursday. I also have a test. So I'm going to see the professor. And I have to plan Bible Study, and I want to check up with people, and I need to study, and, Christ, it feels like there's just no time in the day for all the things I need to do.

Halloween's on Wednesday and I'm leading Bible Study. I have a test and a paper due the next day, so all work and no play makes Amy a dull girl ... but perhaps a smidge more successful. Wish me luck!

now and then

Last year, I was in Barcelona, hanging out with Irene.


This year, I was cooped up in San Diego, hoping to God that we weren't going to burn.

Needless to say, I'm very much alive, but due to the fire, we canceled an entire week of class. We're now behind, and it was both a relief and a stress. Now, I've got a ton of stuff due this coming week, so it's just go-go-go for me. Can't win 'em all.

Oh, and if that weren't depressing enough, "American kids, dumber than dirt"?

I really do need to make more time for blogging. :) I enjoy it so.

flashback

San Giovanni in Laterano (St. John the Lateran)

Almost a year ago, I wrote this in my LJ:

All right, so I've been a slack at posting. We still don't have internet at the residence, so I'm using the internet at the study center. Talk about a pain in the butt. To that end, if you call me on Skype, I'll get it on my cell phone? So call away people, but let's keep it short, because my phone credits always run out fast.

Okay, so life has been crazy. Not too much drama, I suppose, but I have found that I tend toward one roommate more than the other. It's natural, I know, and this situation pales in comparison to freshman year at UCSD, so really, I feel like I'm doing well. I haven't been sleeping well, though, and everything that makes me stress out gives me a nervous stomach and I can't eat. Gah, I just need to get over these nerves. Right in the middle of my stay. Honestly!

That brings me to another thing. We have passed the halfway point. It's hard to believe that we have less than two months left, and it's equally hard to believe that over two months have passed. It's more surreal than anything else, and I'll miss Rome when I come home, but I don't think it's the love of my life. It's just not quite me, but hey, I'm working on it. There are days when I wish the world around me would stop ... but that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Anyway, midterms were this week. I had two yesterday, and there's one more tomorrow night. Then it's off to the soup kitchen. Thursday morning, I have a group oral exam in Italian, and then I'm done.

So ... the exciting part! Thursday evening, I depart for Barcelona! I'm staying for three nights with Irene, then on Sunday evening I depart for Budapest. In Budapest, I'm staying through until November 2, then it's off to Berlin for the last leg, then back home to Rome on the 5th. At ... oooh ... 7 in the morning. That will suck. Other than that, I'm relieved to have a break from Rome, as lovely as it is. I'm just so stressed right now, and I feel like I'm doing all right, but I just want to push myself harder, and I feel like I'm at the point of breaking. I know I can't break, and I know I just have to hold on and breathe, but there are those moments when I feel like I'm suffocating. Those moments pass, though, and I'm just back to being me.

Life is crazy. End of story.

looking forward

- bare: the album (buy it here on October 30)


- being done with the first round of papers/exams
- pie night with my bible study
- ballroom dance on sunday

awake and alive

From this summer, we went out for sangria ... and lollipops, apparently.

So, what have I been up to besides diggin' on that new Andy Samberg/Adam Levine track? I've been in school, that's what. Between work, school, and extracurriculars, I feel like I barely have any time, and for that time, I save my knitting. That said, my classes are pretty challenging, but I can handle them. This quarter (10 weeks, baby!) brings me Distributed Cognition, Neurology/Neuroanatomy, Intro to Int'l Relations, and Nationalism & Ethnic Conflict. A pretty full plate, with some papers, some tests, and a pinch of stress. Hopefully, I can continue to be productive and kick some ass with this stuff, but I guess I'll have to see.

Today, I've got a speed reading & comprehension class back at school. I'm hoping it will improve my skills for that grad school push a year or so from now. By no means will I be able to read all the material in grad school, but the more I can fit in and the more I can understand, the better my chances of success are. Apparently, yes, I am preparing myself for success, or so says my sister.

As for plans for this blog, I'm hoping to put together some thematic mixes ... especially for holidays, but seeing as that is a long way off, I have time to plan. I also have time to eat a good breakfast this morning. What a thought! I suppose I had better jump on that.

endings, start again

I'm taking a bit of a rest at home right now, but tonight, it's back off to school for me. I already had one class today, and this makes two. Not too bad for one day, but it's more mind-boggling than anything else that school had begun anew. I know, for the people on the semester system, school is in full swing, and midterms are fast approaching. However, for the quarter system, school is inching forward, but in 10 weeks, things go quickly. It's scary, really.

On a less stressful note, I was in New York City this weekend. Here's just a snapshot of what went on.







For the rest of the photos, go over to my flickr.

More on this later, and observations about a cultural no-man's land. Because I'm too worried about getting to class on time.

curious and curiouser

Do Norms Reduce Torture? (Working Paper)

Trying to figure out what I'm going to do in terms of grad school search when I'm in New York.

Perhaps more to be added later.

emptiness

Right now, I'm at work, and I feel ... rather void. I can't pinpoint the seat of my distress, but there's just this overwhelming sensation that something is missing. If I knew what it was, I don't think this would be a problem, but here I am ... wondering.

Things are just changing so fast. I think change makes me uneasy. I get into these funks every now and then, after all, and it's usually when something big has happened. We're moving stuff around at the office, so jobs are being redistributed, and I guess I'm just feeling left out. I'm the only student right now. Alas.

Bright spot: I'm going to NYC in two weeks. Master's shopping, yarn, and musical theatre. How could I resist? I really need to do some research, but hopefully I'll figure it out. Who knows? After a rushed double major and five years of school, I could be a crazy person, but I can't see myself in the real world -- not yet. In time, perhaps.

a year gone

I can't believe that it has already been a year since I studied abroad in Rome (a Roma). Thinking about it brings back all those feelings, the growing up I faced, all on my own. There was nobody else to guide me, to take me step by step to the finish line. I was on my own. I feel that, in those four months I spent in Europe, I grew up more than I had in the past 20 or so years of my existence. It was time. Nobody else had stopped me before, from getting where I needed to be -- I just wasn't ready yet. Europe was a test, and I think I passed. I slept in a tunnel in Venice, rode on the back of a moped in Rome, explored Florence alone, froze my tail off in Budapest, and experienced snow in Berlin. I got a tasted for wanderlust, and now I can't just give that up. I don't want to stop moving now. I want to see the world, and I will. (It's just going to take a while to earn enough money. Ew.)

I just sent SMS's to friends abroad. I think it's the least I can do. I mean, after all, I was a lonely kid in Italy. (I often ate alone and rarely went out. Blame it on my unwillingness to compromise myself or risk wearing heels on Italian cobblestones.) I mean, every country must be experienced its own way, but every now and then, it's nice to know that someone from home loves you and is thinking about you. When abroad, I don't think I expected the world, but the little things, the sweet things (like gelato! ;)) were what stuck out in my mind. Things fade, but the knowledge that someone cares for you stays with you.

In essence, I don't actually know what I'm trying to say, but maybe it's this: show love wherever and whenever; don't let distance and time hold you back.

the turning of the tides

It's September. More symbolically, it's Labor Day Weekend in the states, which signifies a change. For many, it's time to go back to school, to return to the daily grind from three glorious months of summer vacation. It's time to reunite with friends, perhaps to slip back into the most familiar rhythm.

For me, school has yet to start. We don't begin until late in this fall month, and that blessing allows me to travel just a little bit more. I've already been home this summer, and I traveled to Orlando, FL for the LCMS National Youth Gathering way back at the end of July/beginning of August. It seems far away now, just as the rest of the summer does. I am looking forward to my NYC excursion right before school starts. Yarn hopping and musical theatre. How does one resist! I know I can't.

Still, after that, school starts. School brings us back, but every year we're changing, every year the young get younger, and the old get older. At least that's how I see about it. I'm going to be in my fourth year of college. This makes me old! Oh my. Thing is, I don't know if I ever saw this coming. In some ways, I still feel like that poor little naive freshman who just left her parents for the first time in 18 years. In 18 years, I hadn't moved too far. In just 3 or 4 more I've grown stronger in so many ways. I've got life experiences under my belt, and I've tested myself and taken on leadership. I still feel lost, though. I suppose it's good that I don't know where I'm headed, but every now and then, I just want to know. We'll see where this year takes me. Hopefully, it's to a place where I can continue to learn, and by that, I don't just mean university. :)

it's aliiiiiive!

Okay, well, I am, I think. It was a long July, and now that it's August, I am shocked that this summer has slipped by me so quickly. People are coming back, and things are changing. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I'm still trying to give my faith the upper hand. In a world where we are called to be faithful, we are constantly tempted to be simply of this world, rather than above it. That doesn't mean that we are, or that we don't fall, but that does mean that we strive to live as Christ lived, to live in him, with others, in this world of God's creation. We are called to follow Christ. We know where we are going. We have hope.

it took you long enough

Well, I must apologize. I kept promising myself a blog entry, but it never emerged from my fingertips. I started a few, I think, but they just didn't materialize. I haven't blogged since school ended. For the record, I didn't fail any classes, but I know I could have done better. In face, for the record, too, I'm considering changing my major. It's not settled yet. On Monday, I'm taking the day off, and I'll be sorting out a few things, including a little bit of medical weirdness and the whole let's-go-talk-to-an-advisor-and-figure-this-out thing. That was a lot of hyphens.

In random, Fourth of July/Independence Day news, the 92nd Annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest went on, and the winner was Joey Chestnut. (Does it blow anyone else's mind that there is an International Federation of Competitive Eating?) It makes me worry about the state of he world ... just a little bit. I mean, I am thoroughly entertained, but a little nagging part of me wonders how much of that food that these folks consume could feed others. Just a thought.

Additionally, in more intriguing and possibly infuriation news (that is admittedly a little old), Scooter Libby's sentence was commuted. We can only hope that this is the end of the road. I have the bare bones of this case, but beyond that, I don't feel like I can pass strong judgment. However, I feel like he seriously put lives in danger, and because of that, he got a punishment that the court thought was suitable for his crime. President Bush did not think so. This I have a hard time comprehending.

Otherwise, not much to report on the Amy-front, other than that I have been working around 80% at my office so far this summer. It's fun, and, though I don't think it's the kind of job I see myself in full-time in the future, it's worthwhile experience, and I appreciate all of my co-workers. In the fall, I'll be working a lot less, as I'll have bigger fish to fry (namely, trying to graduate in 1+ years.)

I'll try to keep updating. Oh, and I read Schindler's List. So good! I highly recommend it.

where's my heart

It's days like these when I wonder if I have the heart, the drive, or the stamina to finish this out. To succeed. To not just be "so close and yet so far." (Sorry Frankie Valli!) I want to be in the home stretch, but I'm scared. Just needed to put this idea somewhere. Maybe it'll light that desperate flame.