attention

The Gaze
Originally uploaded by Anna Pagnacco

I'm working on a project that focuses on the details of the everyday world. Right now, I'm having trouble focusing. Ironic, isn't it. I think I'm taking to finding photos on Flickr that suit my blogging moods. This is more fun. Beats being boring.

So I'm sitting in the library, and I have done some work, but right now, I've hit a rough spot. I'm not sure where to go, or what to right, so I've got to just analyze my data and step away. I might go to study tonight and see what we're up to, then I can go home and finish my analysis. This process is long. I knew I should have given myself more time. Hey ... at least it's still the day before the project is due. :)

ready or not ...

Wallflower
Originally uploaded by Dappers

This is how I feel right now ... well, sort of. Bright, but ready to smash my head against the wall.

Let's put it this way. "Winter quarter needs to shove off and die."

And yes, oh yes, I blogged two different photos in the span of five minutes. What can I say? I'm ignoring my studies and trolling Flickr.

coming to terms

I'm stubborn, and I don't like change. I know it's inevitable, but I just like to dig in my heels and resist like mad. I guess I think it's easier to hold on to all of my bad habits and little lies to myself, rather than just giving it all up. I want to hold on to who I think I am, rather than embrace the person I could become. Or at least I think that's what's going on. My inner monologue has always been a bit confused.

Anyway, I'm just writing to spark some sort of creative process. I've got a paper due in seven hours, and while it's short, like most things, I want it to be good. This week is going to be hard, and I guess that's why I'm thinking there's no better time for change than now. What better time than when I'm stressed out within an inch of my life. Maybe change will help remedy all of the pressure that I'm feeling, both physically and mentally. Winter is my own personal hell. Time to make it work.

The List:
- Machiavelli Paper due 2/4
- Politics of Immigration Midterm 2/6
- Cognitive Ethnography Photo Project due 2/7
- Cognitive Ethnography Overdue Project ASAP

the road before us

This is a pattern ... me, on my floor, procrastinating on something I want to do and know that I can indeed do. I'm just ... stuck. I wonder whether I put myself into this situation, this was inevitable, or both. No matter. It's now the problem of digging myself out of this hole and not consuming an entire package of Saltines. I have forgotten how salty these things really are. I feel that if I were a snail or a slug, I would shrivel right up/implode just at the sight. Whoo!

Anyway, I suppose not much has changed since last year. Yes, I'm getting older, and perhaps I have some better idea of where I'm going, but the future still looms, yet it is a distant fantasy. It's like the side view mirrors of the car. Objects are closer than they appear. So here I am, laptop in lap, really, typing away toward my future. The road is endless, but but I'm in need of a rest stop, and I'm not sure where that next exit will take me. At least, I think, I have over a year to figure this out. I really think that this whole double-major thing is a procrastination tactic. Story of my life, eh? At least I cop to it.

Multimedia message

"In five minutes, I can prove to you that God created the heavens and the earth, and that Jesus Christ can save your soul."

There are the kind of people who make me almost embarrassed to be Christian.

even

Life is complex. We have our interests, and others have theirs. Sometimes, they work in harmony, and sometimes they conflict like nobody's business. I wonder if I make poor judgments about my own interests as they pertain to others. I'm overzealous, and I don't think things through. It's a fault, really.

I am dealing with far too much right now. All I really want is an even playing field, but all I see right now is an uphill climb.

full stop

It's official. I have no desire to be awake this early in the morning. I know I should take the time to be productive, seeing as I've got to haul myself onto a few buses, and I might as well use the time wisely, but all I'd like to do is procrastinate. It's only the tiniest bit ironic. Time is just flying by. Today, Thursday, I've got to finish a lab and study for a quiz (with exam on Monday). I also ought to at least draft up part of a paper for Tuesday. I need to do laundry. I need to pack for Thanksgiving. Frankly, I will give thanks when Tuesday is over, because that means that I can breathe again. I guess I will go to work on Monday afternoon, seeing as I'd like to grovel for Wednesday off to go home early. I have no idea what will happen, but it's getting late, and I need to shove myself out of the house before I'm late. It's a situation that's happened far too ofrwn.

the little things!

Whoa ... I won this contest over at I AM FUEL, YOU ARE FRIENDS (which is a rockin' music blog, by the way), and I'm getting a copy of the soundtrack for the new Bob Dylan biopic, I'm Not There. Excuse the linking and all, but essentially, I won myself a CD of Dylan covers, and I'm thrilled. Dude ... I never win anything ... right?

Along with that, bare: the album is releasing tomorrow! (See previous posts.) Thrilled yet again. :) It's all well and good ... except I have no idea how much it costs.

And, to top it all off, I'm trying to work on a draft of a paper, to review tomorrow and to turn in on Thursday. I also have a test. So I'm going to see the professor. And I have to plan Bible Study, and I want to check up with people, and I need to study, and, Christ, it feels like there's just no time in the day for all the things I need to do.

Halloween's on Wednesday and I'm leading Bible Study. I have a test and a paper due the next day, so all work and no play makes Amy a dull girl ... but perhaps a smidge more successful. Wish me luck!

emptiness

Right now, I'm at work, and I feel ... rather void. I can't pinpoint the seat of my distress, but there's just this overwhelming sensation that something is missing. If I knew what it was, I don't think this would be a problem, but here I am ... wondering.

Things are just changing so fast. I think change makes me uneasy. I get into these funks every now and then, after all, and it's usually when something big has happened. We're moving stuff around at the office, so jobs are being redistributed, and I guess I'm just feeling left out. I'm the only student right now. Alas.

Bright spot: I'm going to NYC in two weeks. Master's shopping, yarn, and musical theatre. How could I resist? I really need to do some research, but hopefully I'll figure it out. Who knows? After a rushed double major and five years of school, I could be a crazy person, but I can't see myself in the real world -- not yet. In time, perhaps.

the turning of the tides

It's September. More symbolically, it's Labor Day Weekend in the states, which signifies a change. For many, it's time to go back to school, to return to the daily grind from three glorious months of summer vacation. It's time to reunite with friends, perhaps to slip back into the most familiar rhythm.

For me, school has yet to start. We don't begin until late in this fall month, and that blessing allows me to travel just a little bit more. I've already been home this summer, and I traveled to Orlando, FL for the LCMS National Youth Gathering way back at the end of July/beginning of August. It seems far away now, just as the rest of the summer does. I am looking forward to my NYC excursion right before school starts. Yarn hopping and musical theatre. How does one resist! I know I can't.

Still, after that, school starts. School brings us back, but every year we're changing, every year the young get younger, and the old get older. At least that's how I see about it. I'm going to be in my fourth year of college. This makes me old! Oh my. Thing is, I don't know if I ever saw this coming. In some ways, I still feel like that poor little naive freshman who just left her parents for the first time in 18 years. In 18 years, I hadn't moved too far. In just 3 or 4 more I've grown stronger in so many ways. I've got life experiences under my belt, and I've tested myself and taken on leadership. I still feel lost, though. I suppose it's good that I don't know where I'm headed, but every now and then, I just want to know. We'll see where this year takes me. Hopefully, it's to a place where I can continue to learn, and by that, I don't just mean university. :)

it's aliiiiiive!

Okay, well, I am, I think. It was a long July, and now that it's August, I am shocked that this summer has slipped by me so quickly. People are coming back, and things are changing. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I'm still trying to give my faith the upper hand. In a world where we are called to be faithful, we are constantly tempted to be simply of this world, rather than above it. That doesn't mean that we are, or that we don't fall, but that does mean that we strive to live as Christ lived, to live in him, with others, in this world of God's creation. We are called to follow Christ. We know where we are going. We have hope.

losing my touch

There goes the sporadic blogging. I chalk it up to a pressing work week. Sometimes I feel like I'm wanted there, and other times I feel like I'm just a burden. I'm sticking with it, but sometimes, work is enough to make me go a little bonkers. It happens, I suppose.

I'm tired. And Kimi is here. Last night, I had my last night in the queen bed ... all to myself. Now I must share. I'm okay with this, but it's just not the same, I'm thinking. Oh well. Now is the time to be with family, no matter how diseased they may be. Or something like that.

Oh yeah. I went to the doctor on Monday. Definitely a thyroid problem. Yay me. Perhaps I'll be able to follow up this time, and we can come to a conclusion. I've been cut down an hour a day at work, too. it's not a big deal, but I'm rambling now, and I think it's time to hit the sack. Not that it'll do anything for my thyroid. Meh.

it took you long enough

Well, I must apologize. I kept promising myself a blog entry, but it never emerged from my fingertips. I started a few, I think, but they just didn't materialize. I haven't blogged since school ended. For the record, I didn't fail any classes, but I know I could have done better. In face, for the record, too, I'm considering changing my major. It's not settled yet. On Monday, I'm taking the day off, and I'll be sorting out a few things, including a little bit of medical weirdness and the whole let's-go-talk-to-an-advisor-and-figure-this-out thing. That was a lot of hyphens.

In random, Fourth of July/Independence Day news, the 92nd Annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest went on, and the winner was Joey Chestnut. (Does it blow anyone else's mind that there is an International Federation of Competitive Eating?) It makes me worry about the state of he world ... just a little bit. I mean, I am thoroughly entertained, but a little nagging part of me wonders how much of that food that these folks consume could feed others. Just a thought.

Additionally, in more intriguing and possibly infuriation news (that is admittedly a little old), Scooter Libby's sentence was commuted. We can only hope that this is the end of the road. I have the bare bones of this case, but beyond that, I don't feel like I can pass strong judgment. However, I feel like he seriously put lives in danger, and because of that, he got a punishment that the court thought was suitable for his crime. President Bush did not think so. This I have a hard time comprehending.

Otherwise, not much to report on the Amy-front, other than that I have been working around 80% at my office so far this summer. It's fun, and, though I don't think it's the kind of job I see myself in full-time in the future, it's worthwhile experience, and I appreciate all of my co-workers. In the fall, I'll be working a lot less, as I'll have bigger fish to fry (namely, trying to graduate in 1+ years.)

I'll try to keep updating. Oh, and I read Schindler's List. So good! I highly recommend it.

the way were once were

I'm discovering that, though I thought I was over it, I continue to have unabashedly "fangirl"-esque moments. I thought I was over this, but I guess that I'm wrong. Oh well. Every now and then I'm allowed to be crazy, amidst all this trying to be mature. Heck, I'm 21. Maturity might have to wait.

where's my heart

It's days like these when I wonder if I have the heart, the drive, or the stamina to finish this out. To succeed. To not just be "so close and yet so far." (Sorry Frankie Valli!) I want to be in the home stretch, but I'm scared. Just needed to put this idea somewhere. Maybe it'll light that desperate flame.

i don't remember growing older

It's the strangest thing, realizing that I'm 3 years out of high school. Even stranger that it's been 7 years since I was in middle/grammar school. That's a third of my lifetime away. I faintly remember think that it would be unfathomable to be in college, to be doing something with my life, yet, now, I feel as lost as I felt then. Some things change, and some things don't, I suppose.

This heady reminiscence would not be complete without photos, so, naturally, those have gone up on my flickr account. I have photos that span from senior year of high school to now. If I wanted to, I suppose they could even go back further. In these "old" photos, I see myself three years back, and I see a girl who had no idea what the future held for her. I could never have imagined then what I would be like now, and I'm glad that I never could. The journey wouldn't have been as challenging, interesting, or enlightening, and I know there would always have been something I would have wanted to change. There will always be those nitpicky things about my past that I wish I could go back and fix ... but that's my past, after all.

I remember vaguely when that photo was taken. We slept over at my friend's house the night of prom, and we laid the dresses out on the bed because we didn't want to wrinkle them. The picture is actually a recreation, because someone slept in the bed. However, that photo holds good memories for me. I sometimes wonder how people from high school turned out, how much we've grown, changed, and morphed into the people we are today. I probably wouldn't have predicted how we've turned out. I don't even know the people some of my friends have become.

I suppose that makes it interesting, that we're going to try to have dinner for the half-week or so that I'm back home. I'm trying to catch up with people through journals, but I know that I'm not very much in touch nowadays. I suppose that when I see them, I'll know. I hope we'll bring back the good memories and make some new ones. I hope that this time, maybe, we stay in touch so that we can see each other grow.

random talk for a tuesday evening

That's it. I have to stop missing class. This is getting downright silly.

And you know what else is downright silly? There's a new pill out there, and its intention is to end periods. I just don't think that's natural! Sure, being a girl is a pain in a butt, but there are some things out there which I just don't think should be messed with that much. This is one of them.

I know, I can't believe I'm putting this after menstrual talk, but Apolo Anton Ohno won Dancing with the Stars, Season 4! I think he most definitely deserves it, and I know that it makes me entire family happy. See what happens when my family votes? Good things, people, good things.

Another unbelievable thing: this academic quarter is coming to an end. It's mind-blowing that it's 8th week, but I just want it to go faster. I don't want to say goodbye, but I'm tired of this already. I wish I could do well and we could just be through, because it's frustrating. My classes aren't bad or anything, but there's so much I'd rather do, I guess. On a class related note, my Poli Sci professor was feeling bad today and had to sit down. We were all worried about him, so we called the paramedics. It seemed like he was doing better afterwards, but he gave us a scare. The man is the product of history. Someone once told me that he's like Forrest Gump. He's seen everything: the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Holocaust, Communist China, Communist Russia, Imperial Japan. It's crazy. He's living history.

One of these days, I wonder what legacy I'll leave. I hope it's a good one. I hope people stick around and care. I hope I leave the world better than I came into it.

finding the one?

A friend and I were having a conversation about our attempts to find "the one." Not "the two," not "the three," but "the ONE." This, of course, followed stories of our various attempts (amusing, surprising, and downright mortifying), all in the hopes of finding someone who fits each of our criteria.

She mentioned a few categories of men, including "'object of my worldly lust' or 'that guy I kind of like' or 'he's kind of endearing' or 'oh my dear God I want you in multiple ways'." This got me thinking, what have the men in my life amounted to?

Oh, let's see, I wasn't properly kissed until I was 20, and even that, I would say, was questionable, because, although he was charming, he was an Italian man of indeterminate age who took me up to the Gianicolo (the Roman version of makeout mountain) and promptly proceeded to flirt and lay one on me. I had no idea what was up. I was naive enough to think it wasn't even a date! Bad choices. Luckily, that all ended there. In short, don't talk to random Italians on the street and don't take a ride on the back of their motorini.

The other rather inappropriate physical contact was at a Roman salsa club. A large, possibly Cuban, man started dancing with me. He was harmless at first, albeit a bit weird. He would try to have me put my hands on his face. This should have hinted me to run away. No, I kept dancing. That only made him think I was into him, apparently, because I kept turning away when I thought he was trying to kiss me, and eventually, he licked me! From collarbone to ear. Can you say "gross!"? Right after that dance, I ran to my friend and begged him to hide me. I need to start screening my dance partners.

Somehow, Rome brought out the flirt in me. Other than that, a guy I semi-asked-out turned out to be gay. He's a great guy, but I worry that every guy I like, even a little, will be gay. This worries me. Somehow, I don't think it's going to be a HUGE problem, because I have mostly Bible Study friends, but you never know. Other men, men I can't have, can be downright charming. And this, this perhaps, is where I get into trouble.

So, returning to the idea of "the one," I'm far from finding him. I figure he's out there somewhere, and until then, I'll have to be satisfied with wildly entertaining and embarrassing stories from my past. I think that what's most evident here is my bad choices. I need to work on those.

the ghost of sleep

I have a problem. I can't wake up on time. I set my alarm clock and promptly hit it every time it makes even the tiniest beep. I don't want to wake up. And because of this lack of ability and lack of desire, I miss my class. My 11 AM class! I enjoy that class! How does this happen? This shouldn't happen! I should be normal, but no, I have a problem. It's time to take drastic waking up measures again. I need to go to bed earlier. Really. And I need to do my homework. And I need to focus ... and ... oh dear. My life needs one of those self-help shows or something.

growing older

The prospect of growing older scares me. I've got a wedding invitation atop my dresser that is awaiting an RSVP. My friends are getting married. All around me, there are engagement rings, smiling faces, and wedding bells.

And all I want, deep down, is to be a kid. There's simplicity in childhood, particularly in love. As children, we love boundlessly, and sure, we make mistakes, but we get right back up again and keep on trying. As adults, we withhold and hide our love. We shy away from our mistakes, and we are paralyzed by the fear that we'll get hurt, even when our chances are good. It's refreshing to see love reappear, but it's also scary. It somehow signifies that we're next, that as soon as our friends are engaged or married, our hands will have rings, too. It doesn't matter if we have boyfriends or not, but the prospect of marriage looms. In some ways, it's now or never, lest we are 30 years of age and unwed. Heaven forbid. See? It could be great to be a kid again!

However, kids these days are growing up in uncertain times. One of my deepest fears is that I'll be an awful parent. I worry that my kids will do things I never dreamed of doing, and I'll be powerless to stop them. But part of being a parent is letting your kids make their own mistakes and letting them learn their own lessons. I'm just starting to realize that, and perhaps, that is the first step that I'm taking toward accepting that I'm growing older, after all.