mi manca roma

Rome at Night

By IAN FISHER

Published: April 20, 2008

At night, the city is lit like a theater, and in the warmer months, it should be enjoyed like one.

I wish I were back there, but I figure, in time, I will be.

I don't know why I love this video so much.



Anyway, this week looks to be stressful. I hope to jam through the rest of the projects I have to do. In a week, there are also final exams, so it's almost over! Holy crap!

And then ... D.C. and Boston! My new carrot at the end of the stick, besides yarn that I made my roommate hide. That's a whole 'nother subject. Really wondering whether I should just combine this blog and my knitting blog. Separating my life is horribly difficult, I think. That, and am I really that interesting? Then again, perhaps this one is just lots of inspiration and cool tidbits. Chi sa? (Who knows?)

the road before us

This is a pattern ... me, on my floor, procrastinating on something I want to do and know that I can indeed do. I'm just ... stuck. I wonder whether I put myself into this situation, this was inevitable, or both. No matter. It's now the problem of digging myself out of this hole and not consuming an entire package of Saltines. I have forgotten how salty these things really are. I feel that if I were a snail or a slug, I would shrivel right up/implode just at the sight. Whoo!

Anyway, I suppose not much has changed since last year. Yes, I'm getting older, and perhaps I have some better idea of where I'm going, but the future still looms, yet it is a distant fantasy. It's like the side view mirrors of the car. Objects are closer than they appear. So here I am, laptop in lap, really, typing away toward my future. The road is endless, but but I'm in need of a rest stop, and I'm not sure where that next exit will take me. At least, I think, I have over a year to figure this out. I really think that this whole double-major thing is a procrastination tactic. Story of my life, eh? At least I cop to it.

let's never stop falling in love

The world won't stop changing, and I can't blame it. I'd rather have it keep moving and keep going, and yeah, I don't want to stop. I desperately wish I could still be in Rome, but if I were, my life would have changed in such different ways. I wouldn't have gotten a job, I wouldn't have gone to New York, I wouldn't have lived with Kimi, and I certainly wouldn't be the same person. All of the challenges that life has put before me have been worth the struggle. Everything I am is a product of who I was. Everything I will become is all part of who I am now. Life is like a game of Jenga -- you keep building upwards with what you've already got and you pray for balance.

now and then

Last year, I was in Barcelona, hanging out with Irene.


This year, I was cooped up in San Diego, hoping to God that we weren't going to burn.

Needless to say, I'm very much alive, but due to the fire, we canceled an entire week of class. We're now behind, and it was both a relief and a stress. Now, I've got a ton of stuff due this coming week, so it's just go-go-go for me. Can't win 'em all.

Oh, and if that weren't depressing enough, "American kids, dumber than dirt"?

I really do need to make more time for blogging. :) I enjoy it so.

flashback

San Giovanni in Laterano (St. John the Lateran)

Almost a year ago, I wrote this in my LJ:

All right, so I've been a slack at posting. We still don't have internet at the residence, so I'm using the internet at the study center. Talk about a pain in the butt. To that end, if you call me on Skype, I'll get it on my cell phone? So call away people, but let's keep it short, because my phone credits always run out fast.

Okay, so life has been crazy. Not too much drama, I suppose, but I have found that I tend toward one roommate more than the other. It's natural, I know, and this situation pales in comparison to freshman year at UCSD, so really, I feel like I'm doing well. I haven't been sleeping well, though, and everything that makes me stress out gives me a nervous stomach and I can't eat. Gah, I just need to get over these nerves. Right in the middle of my stay. Honestly!

That brings me to another thing. We have passed the halfway point. It's hard to believe that we have less than two months left, and it's equally hard to believe that over two months have passed. It's more surreal than anything else, and I'll miss Rome when I come home, but I don't think it's the love of my life. It's just not quite me, but hey, I'm working on it. There are days when I wish the world around me would stop ... but that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Anyway, midterms were this week. I had two yesterday, and there's one more tomorrow night. Then it's off to the soup kitchen. Thursday morning, I have a group oral exam in Italian, and then I'm done.

So ... the exciting part! Thursday evening, I depart for Barcelona! I'm staying for three nights with Irene, then on Sunday evening I depart for Budapest. In Budapest, I'm staying through until November 2, then it's off to Berlin for the last leg, then back home to Rome on the 5th. At ... oooh ... 7 in the morning. That will suck. Other than that, I'm relieved to have a break from Rome, as lovely as it is. I'm just so stressed right now, and I feel like I'm doing all right, but I just want to push myself harder, and I feel like I'm at the point of breaking. I know I can't break, and I know I just have to hold on and breathe, but there are those moments when I feel like I'm suffocating. Those moments pass, though, and I'm just back to being me.

Life is crazy. End of story.

endings, start again

I'm taking a bit of a rest at home right now, but tonight, it's back off to school for me. I already had one class today, and this makes two. Not too bad for one day, but it's more mind-boggling than anything else that school had begun anew. I know, for the people on the semester system, school is in full swing, and midterms are fast approaching. However, for the quarter system, school is inching forward, but in 10 weeks, things go quickly. It's scary, really.

On a less stressful note, I was in New York City this weekend. Here's just a snapshot of what went on.







For the rest of the photos, go over to my flickr.

More on this later, and observations about a cultural no-man's land. Because I'm too worried about getting to class on time.

dear god

Less than a week 'til departure and my nerves are shot to hell. I don't think I'll be able to eat on the plane if I'm this nervous this early in the game. Pray for me.

emptiness

Right now, I'm at work, and I feel ... rather void. I can't pinpoint the seat of my distress, but there's just this overwhelming sensation that something is missing. If I knew what it was, I don't think this would be a problem, but here I am ... wondering.

Things are just changing so fast. I think change makes me uneasy. I get into these funks every now and then, after all, and it's usually when something big has happened. We're moving stuff around at the office, so jobs are being redistributed, and I guess I'm just feeling left out. I'm the only student right now. Alas.

Bright spot: I'm going to NYC in two weeks. Master's shopping, yarn, and musical theatre. How could I resist? I really need to do some research, but hopefully I'll figure it out. Who knows? After a rushed double major and five years of school, I could be a crazy person, but I can't see myself in the real world -- not yet. In time, perhaps.

a year gone

I can't believe that it has already been a year since I studied abroad in Rome (a Roma). Thinking about it brings back all those feelings, the growing up I faced, all on my own. There was nobody else to guide me, to take me step by step to the finish line. I was on my own. I feel that, in those four months I spent in Europe, I grew up more than I had in the past 20 or so years of my existence. It was time. Nobody else had stopped me before, from getting where I needed to be -- I just wasn't ready yet. Europe was a test, and I think I passed. I slept in a tunnel in Venice, rode on the back of a moped in Rome, explored Florence alone, froze my tail off in Budapest, and experienced snow in Berlin. I got a tasted for wanderlust, and now I can't just give that up. I don't want to stop moving now. I want to see the world, and I will. (It's just going to take a while to earn enough money. Ew.)

I just sent SMS's to friends abroad. I think it's the least I can do. I mean, after all, I was a lonely kid in Italy. (I often ate alone and rarely went out. Blame it on my unwillingness to compromise myself or risk wearing heels on Italian cobblestones.) I mean, every country must be experienced its own way, but every now and then, it's nice to know that someone from home loves you and is thinking about you. When abroad, I don't think I expected the world, but the little things, the sweet things (like gelato! ;)) were what stuck out in my mind. Things fade, but the knowledge that someone cares for you stays with you.

In essence, I don't actually know what I'm trying to say, but maybe it's this: show love wherever and whenever; don't let distance and time hold you back.

the turning of the tides

It's September. More symbolically, it's Labor Day Weekend in the states, which signifies a change. For many, it's time to go back to school, to return to the daily grind from three glorious months of summer vacation. It's time to reunite with friends, perhaps to slip back into the most familiar rhythm.

For me, school has yet to start. We don't begin until late in this fall month, and that blessing allows me to travel just a little bit more. I've already been home this summer, and I traveled to Orlando, FL for the LCMS National Youth Gathering way back at the end of July/beginning of August. It seems far away now, just as the rest of the summer does. I am looking forward to my NYC excursion right before school starts. Yarn hopping and musical theatre. How does one resist! I know I can't.

Still, after that, school starts. School brings us back, but every year we're changing, every year the young get younger, and the old get older. At least that's how I see about it. I'm going to be in my fourth year of college. This makes me old! Oh my. Thing is, I don't know if I ever saw this coming. In some ways, I still feel like that poor little naive freshman who just left her parents for the first time in 18 years. In 18 years, I hadn't moved too far. In just 3 or 4 more I've grown stronger in so many ways. I've got life experiences under my belt, and I've tested myself and taken on leadership. I still feel lost, though. I suppose it's good that I don't know where I'm headed, but every now and then, I just want to know. We'll see where this year takes me. Hopefully, it's to a place where I can continue to learn, and by that, I don't just mean university. :)